Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
