Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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