i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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