I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
