Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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