K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
