ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
