Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
