Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
