I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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