You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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