True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
