Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
