Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
