I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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