Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
