I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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