Umm I'm too high to move.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
