bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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