i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I want to be your penis for a week.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
