We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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