Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
