there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
