I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
