Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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