i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
