First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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