At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
