The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
