my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
