Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
