Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
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