It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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