Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
