if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
