Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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