dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
