i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
