Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
