ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Randomize
