my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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