She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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