just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
