i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
