I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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