Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
