If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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