Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
