fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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