Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize