I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
