i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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