just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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