its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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