I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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