thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
